Kinda Sorta

by Tom Hedrick

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about

One hour and twenty-nine minutes of captivating, fresh alt-power pop/punk/prog/bop! What's this like? Think of Lou Reed, Todd Rundgren, Wes Montgomery, Captain Beefheart and Paul McCartney forming a band. Whoah!

credits

released September 14, 2019

Tom Hedrick: Vocals, Guitars, Electric Basses, Piano, Hammond Organ, Synths, Percussion, and Manic Drum Loop Acrobatics.
Special Guests: Frank Smith, Ruth Skyline, Miss Margie, derinho, Sue Cool-in-Culig, Joe Nate, and Philippe.

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all rights reserved

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about

Tom Hedrick Minneapolis, Minnesota

Minneapolis-based power pop and experimental artist. Influenced heavily by The Beatles, VU, Zappa, Brian Wilson, Todd Rundgren and a number of jazz greats.

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Track Name: Love Seat
I want a peace and joy and a love seat.
That’s the place where we’ll meet.
‘Cause there is no place for joy
in America.

The bullies and the kings and the big chiefs,
Handing out all their grief.
They took all the joy and laughter
from America.

And those of us who shout about it,
Will be the ones who go without it,
Oh.

When you wanna wave some banners
out in the street,
And wish away the dark lord and his
big creeps.
The killers, thieves and schemers
who took away America.

Your words are rocks, your feelings
are the big fires.
The semi-automatic fascists,
big liars.
They think you’re the enemy
of America.

And those of us who care about it,
Will be the ones first shut outside it,
Oh.

I want a peace and joy and a love seat.
That’s the place where we’ll meet.
‘Cause there is no place for joy
in America.

Peace and joy and a love seat.
Peace and joy and a love seat.
Peace and joy and a love seat.
Track Name: Pills
Pills
(Words and Music by Tom Hedrick. ©2019 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music - ASCAP)

This glass of water, on the table beside me,
Beside me.
This glass of water, and container beside me,
Beside me.

I will drink this down, bring on sleep.
Hope a feeling washes over me.

This oval capsule, in the morning to shake me,
To Shake me.
This oval capsule, and the coffee, milk and tea.
Mix in me.

I will take it all, and grab the wheel.
Take the jet stream of the day and deal.
Deal.
Track Name: Group Therapy Box
Group Therapy Box
Music and Lyrics: Tom Hedrick.
Copyright 2018 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music (ASCAP)

I remember all those nights when I was at group.
People blast the wall with a foamy bat.
I remember how they tore that tissue box to bits,
and I felt so very bad for it.

Tissue Box – I’ll try to save you. Tissue Box – I’ll try to save you!

All the girls who ran away and wound up on the street.
All the boys who ended up on junk.
I remember Angie as a Mom at seventeen,
and the speed freak trying to stay clean.

Tissue Box – I’ll try to save you. Tissue Box – I’ll try to save you!

I was just a paper boy who lived down in the ‘burbs.
Mother thought I had a cynical bent.
Consequences tied to any fun I did maintain.
A theory Mother must contain.

Tissue Box – You get a breather. Tonight I’ll be your pain reliever.
Tissue Box – I’ll try to save you. Tissue Box – I’ll try to save you!
Track Name: The Restroom Constable
The Restroom Constable

Music and lyrics © 2017 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music - ASCAP

I am the Restroom Constable,
Sworn to a sober oath.
You are man or a woman.
No, you can’t be both.

I’m duty bound to perform a reasonable inspection,
Prior to entering the facility of your selection.
You are subject to search and verification.
Your outward appearance is not adequate identification.
The presence or absence of certain equipment,
Will determine an assignment of where you can, uh, sit.
Haircuts, adornments - not a distraction!
I will read the statute and commence lawful action.

I am the Restroom Constable,
Trained to do my part.
You can’t deceive my expertise.
I am super smart.

He will randomly appear, demand for him to see,
Your proper signed and duly issued government ID.

AND I’LL CHECK A MARK FOR “M”, OR IF NOT THAT AN “F”
“P”, “Q” or “T”… and I’ll know a forgery is at hand!
PREPARE TO BE ESCORTED OUT, OR OUT COMES THE KIT.
LOOK AWAY! COUNT TO TEN!

He is the Restroom Constable,
Uniformed and bright.
He can’t be bribed or invalidated.
He will read your rights.

Trans-sex arrangements are out of compliance.
Hence, remove yourself from any reliance,
That proprietors can exempt themselves from my reach.
I’m deaf to entreaties, though you beseech.
When it comes to the plumbing, it’s not just the stalls.
I pat down, I scan, don’t reach for those towels.
If you do not comply, the penalties? High!
You can’t dissuade me, though I know you will try.
Track Name: Butt Dial Me
Butt Dial Me
Music and Lyrics ©2018 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music - ASCAP

If you’re feeling down and lonely,
sick and tired or homely: Butt dial me.
If an accidental ring to me
is sort of like a giving tree: Butt dial me.

Just sit on your phone.
I will be at home.

If the world has got you down,
and you wonder who’s around: Butt dial me.
If your contact list’s a source of bliss,
I hope I’m one you won’t dismiss: Butt dial me.

Hit the crazy key.
You can talk to me.

(Guitar solo)

(Spoken:)
It’s not a laughing matter, no - not just idle chatter
Sit on down and roll that rump, your mobile phone will buzz and jump.
There’s no shame in a random dial, I’m only here to make you smile.
Count on me!

If you think you’re on a mental edge,
I hope a greeting you won’t hedge: Butt dial me.
If you think that you’re about to break,
All it takes is just a shake: Butt dial me.

Just sit on your phone. Yeah!
I will be at home… Right on!…OR ANYWHERE, Really!

(Spoken:)
If you think it random chance, consider this just once perhaps.
You saved my number for a cause, there’s no reason you should pause.
The light speed of the Internet right to my ears is where you’re sent.
Your peace and comfort you might say,
Is just a hiney cheek away.
YEAH! Butt dial me!
Butt dial me! - Oh!
Butt dial me! - That’s right!
Butt dial me!
Track Name: Fourteen
Fourteen

Music and Lyrics by Tom Hedrick, © 2016 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music - ASCAP

Say goodnight, and wish you well.
See what tomorrow brings.
I have seen so many times,
The way you’re pushed aside.

I know that you’ve been told
To be your own sweet self.

I wish there was someone for you.
With laughter, and secrets,
And all these things.
But when it’s time to listen,
and see and believe.

You stand alone. Uh-huh.
You stand alone.

Over time, when some move on,
And you’ve been left behind.
It’s as though you’re not in style,
and twisting in the room.

I know that you’ve been told
That it will be quite right.

I wish there was something for you.
Adventure, and treasure,
And all these things.
But when it’s time to find,
and see and believe.

You stand alone. Uh-huh.
You stand alone.
Track Name: (You're My) Coffee Cat
(You’re My) Coffee Cat
Words and Music by Tom Hedrick
®2019 Thomas B. Hedrick/Tom Hedrick Music – ASCAP

You’re my coffee cat. You’re my coffee cat,
as simple as that.
You get your feet into those boots,
that’s how it goes.
We walk the city neighborhood,
everyone knows.
C’mon, please be good to me.
You’re my coffee cat.

You’re my coffee cat. You’re my coffee cat,
no doubt about that.
We find a table just for us, hot joe and scones.
Heavy coats and heavy books,
un-chill the bones.
Sit down, please remember me.
You’re my coffee cat.
Track Name: Don't Eat In My Car
Don’t Eat In My Car
Music and Lyrics by Tom Hedrick
© 2019 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music – ASCAP

Don’t eat in my car. Don’t eat in my car.
I told you a hundred times today.
Don’t eat in my car.
Don’t eat in my car. Don’t eat in my car.
I told you a million times this year.
Don’t eat in my car.

If you dare to try, we will have a talk.
You’re gonna find yourself going home on a lonely walk.

Don’t eat in my car - I’m telling you! Don’t eat in my car - C’mon!
I told you many times before.
Don’t eat in my car.
You smeared a bunch of chocolate on upholstery
When you snuck in a candy bar.
I’m telling you for the very last time,
Don’t eat in my car.

If you dare to try, we’re going to make a deal.
You’re gonna find you’re stranded with your happy meal.

Don’t eat in my car. Don’t eat in my car.
I told you a hundred times today.
Don’t eat in my car.
Don’t eat in my car - I’m telling you! Don’t eat in my car - C’mon!
I told you a million times this year.
Don’t eat in my car.

If you dare to try, then our friendship’s done.
You can jog on home toward the setting sun.

Don’t eat in my car. Don’t eat in my car.
I told you a hundred times today.
Don’t eat in my car.
Don’t eat in my car - I’m telling you! Don’t eat in my car - C’mon!
I told you a million times this year.
Don’t eat in my car.
Track Name: St. Norbert
St. Norbert

Music and Lyrics © 2016, 2018 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music - ASCAP

The people of the county seat have clearly gone astray.
They gossip on their telephones all day.
They banter at the coffee shop. They show off at the gym.

I’ll put on my bronze boots,
And I’ll stomp out sin.
I’ll be that lonely prophet from within.

On a wave of the spirit I’ll speak the truth.
A revival breakfast to make them move.
And we’ll testify to the heavenly host,
While we make communion over eggs and toast.
Coffee will serve as a sacred wine.
This wayward flock will fall in line.

And we’ll serve up the word, and a stack of cakes.
And their happy souls begin to shake.

The people of the city streets are tempted to the core.
Their pleasures lead to empty nevermore.
They spread their lies and blasphemies,
and lead the way to shame.

I’ll put on my bronze boots,
and praise the holy name,
and save them from their wretched, callous games.

On the wave of the spirit I’ll sound the horn.
With a driving beat we’ll be re-born,
And we’ll testify from the firmament,
That a savior’s grace is heaven sent.
The chorus swells,
and the bells will ring.
The newly saved will sweetly sing.

We’ll serve up a sound, just like those 78’s.
And the massive ground will surely shake.
Track Name: Karmul Shurt
Karmul Shurt
Words and Music ©2017 Thomas B. Hedrick - Tom Hedrick Music (ASCAP)

Give me, give me, give me
Give me, give me - a Karmul Shurt, and I’ll be a good boy.
Give me, give me, give me
Give me, give me - a Karmul Shurt, and I’ll be a good boy.

You know it -
We can hide out in the midst of a crowd of a thousand and one
Believers.
It’s showtime.
You know it -
When the banners are hung and bunting’s just right and we’re up for a fight.
We feel it,
In our land gone horribly wrong.

Give me, give me, give me
Give me, give me - a Karmul Shurt, like the others I know
Give me, give me, give me
Give me, give me - a Karmul Shurt, and I’ll be at the show

We know it.
Turn over our our rock at a tick of a clock
And you’re in for a shock.
You’ll feel it.
It’s our time.
You know it.
Freedom is free for those who agree when we’re one and the same.
No strangers,
In our land gone horribly wrong.

Give me, give me, give me
Give me, give me - a Karmul Shurt, and an anthem to crow
Give me, give me, give me
Give me, give me - a Karmul Shurt, and I’ll be at the show

Say it!

On your computer and the Internet,
Shop on those sites that you never forget.
Find the boots, the shorts and the arm bands!
Great for the city folk, great for the farm hands!
Snappy Karmul Shurt! Put it in your cart!
It ships overnight and you’re doing your part.
It’s a statement, standard-issue.
Comes in a nice box, nestled in tissue!
One of many - easily missed.
Why stand out when you’re in our midst?
Keep the standards, keep it real.
Karmul Shurt - remarkable feel!

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme — Karmul Shurt! (4x)
Track Name: Feelings Today, Tomorrow, And Beyond
Feelings Today, Tomorrow and Beyond
Words and Music by Tom Hedrick – © 2019 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music – ASCAP

Feelings Today, Tomorrow and Beyond –
I’m not here to tell you what to do.
Feelings Today, Tomorrow and Beyond –

Welcome to our encounter group.
Let’s unwrap it – Let’s be free!

What’s your name?
Ron
What’s up, Ron?
I feel put upon.
What do you do?
I’m an Astrophysicist
Cool!
Not cool.
Why not cool?
I discovered a planet.
Cool!
Not cool.
Why not cool?
I wanted to name it.
Who got to name it?
My boss got to name it.
What did he name it?
DX-9-4-7
What would you have named it?
RON.

But soon I’ll find the one ring,
and I’ll be known as NOR.
I’ll have dominion over all living things
and the UNIVERSE, including the names
of all the PLANETS.

What is “NOR”?
My name backward…. is…
NOR…..

OK THEN!

Feelings Today, Tomorrow and Beyond –
Anything you share is up to you.
Feelings Today, Tomorrow and Beyond –

Next up please, it’s an open room.
Someone speak up, share with us!

My name is Linda and I’m from Bismark, North Dakota
I’m a recent divorcée
What brings you here?
Bread.
Bread?
I went to Europe.
On a river cruise.
Cool.
Sort of cool.
Why sort of cool?
We stopped at our port.
I explored a nearby town.
I met a friendly baker
in a village square.
He offered me
a hot baguette
right there.
I forgot how much
That I like bread.
Now I want bread,
all the time.
The baker doesn’t matter.
All bread is mine.
WOW
Yeah, Wow.
HOLY COW.

Feelings Today, Tomorrow and Beyond –
We’re out of time, but I’ll see you soon.
Next week, and every week you’d like beyond!
Track Name: Franklin
Franklin
Music and Lyrics by Tom Hedrick
©2019 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music – ASCAP

The elders of nations met and conferred,
on August full moon light.
They talked about a canine they had seen.
He was real, but also as a dream.
Over pipe and fire they agreed, he would be known as:
FRANKLIN.

The homesteaders felt vulnerable, though determined.
Each precise plot was theirs to own and seed.
Their territorial impulses were aligned, and they agreed,
that nighttime brought a wolf of lore,
the likes, they had not seen before.
A Talisman they thought he might be,
for their fleeting security.
They caucused and agreed.
They would name him, oh yes, they would indeed name him:
FRANKLIN.

The traders and the cavalry,
the scouts and postal sentry.
The coach captains of the new west.
All, it seems, exchanged arresting moments,
of eye, fang and drawn back ear,
though strangely they did not fear.
An icon of reconciliation, ’twas clear he be.
With admiration they spoke his name! They spoke his name!
FRANKLIN.

The great trains upon track newly laid.
A forebear of interstate highways in future times paved.
From Pullman windows, upon twilit prairie seas.
The grasses, crevasses and moonlit mountain sheen:
All were places witnessed, where mythic yet real protection reigned supreme.
In their silent minds, all travelers knew their trust was to be placed in:
FRANKLIN.

Prayers long ago scribed, memorized.
Assimilations undergone and awry.
Reshaping and new framing, of victor’s accounts,
cannot erase those with hearts full and stout.
They remember their forebears tales,
of sweetness and valor and possibilities shared.
They still speak of him.
FRANKLIN.
Track Name: Tomato Sandwich!
Tomato Sandwich!
Music and Lyrics by Tom Hedrick
©2016 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music (ASCAP)

Well I’m asking you quite nicely now
Get over here by noon somehow
I want to teach you just how to treat
me with the one thing I like to eat

I’m asking you quite nicely, friend
Bring out the lettuce and that loaf of bread
Grab the mayo, look for a plate
And if you want me to be your mate

You’ll step to the counter, and you’ll pick up that blade
Slice up that beefsteak
Oh, yeah! It’s time to make

T-O-M-A-T-O
Tomato, baby
T-O-M-A-T-O
Tomato Sandwich!
What a wonderful day!

Well I’m asking you quite nicely here
Before potato chips, pickles or beer
Fresh, bright red and thinly sliced
It’s hardly what you’d call a vice

If we never stumble on wealth,
At least my eye is on our health
Pumpernickel, wheat or rye
Ever since my days gone by

I’d step to the counter, and I’d pick up that blade
Grab salt and pepper.
Oh, yeah! I had to make

T-O-M-A-T-O
Tomato, baby
T-O-M-A-T-O
Tomato Sandwich!
What a wonderful day!
Track Name: Robin Red Breast/Janitor Man
Robin Red Breast
Music and Lyrics by Tom Hedrick
© 2019 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music – ASCAP

Oh Robin Red Breast, return from your nest.
A story from south, long ago.
Robin Red Breast, emerge from your nest,
And tell us what to expect, so and so.

“It’s spring!”, we think, but we might be tricked.
We might be brought into malaise.
I think - in my brain - that I am confused.
Air masses are changed and changed.

Oh Robin Red Breast, emerge from your nest.
Do you have hatching to do?
Robin Red Breast, emerge from your nest.
I know I most certainly do,
But not the kind that you know.
No, not the kind that you know.

I have work to deliver.
I pickled my liver,
A now I have stress through the roof.

Robin Red Breast, emerge from your nest.
Please tell me what’s ultimately true.
Track Name: Girl In Brussels
Girl In Brussels
(Words and Music ©2019 Thomas B. Hedrick - Tom Hedrick Music – ASCAP)

I didn’t know you were coming up behind me.
I didn’t know you were set up to approach me.
How many borders have you known?
How many needles have been shown?
I didn’t know you were set up to approach me.

I didn’t see you, intercepting my stroll,
transparent.
Empty gaze and desperation, hunger, and separation,
apparent.
How many Euros or USD,
to buy some hours to be free?
I didn’t know you were set up to approach me,
to approach me,
to approach me.
Track Name: Venn Diagrams
Venn Diagrams
Words and Music by Tom Hedrick
© 2019 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music – ASCAP

Sometimes when I write and I’m feeling so uptight,
and I’m dizzy and I’m nauseous and I choke.
Any try at meaning: patronizing and demeaning.
It’s just a nasty, abstract joke.

Try to demonstrate,
Info in a state.
I can’t think of any other way.

Just then I remember and the circles race.
Overlapping, graphing, smiling on my face.
Commonalities and variance OK.

It’s true just what they say, you can use them everyday,
Compare, contrast, a blast - Venn Diagrams!
Some might just complain, cause they think it is a drain,
But your data is explained…
Venn Diagrams!

Try to demonstrate,
Info in a state.
I think that I found the perfect way.

Slide decks optimized for this transparency.
Adjacent ovals marking shared capacity.
Quick and to the point, spark curiosity.

Just then I remember and the circles race.
Overlapping, graphing, smiling on my face.
Commonalities and variance OK.

Experiments and trials, computations go for miles.
You might run out of lead, or quill or ink.
Visual learners, no need for mental churners,
Just take an awesome look at this.

Try to demonstrate,
Info in a state.
I can’t think of any other way.

Slide decks optimized for this transparency.
Adjacent ovals marking shared capacity.
Quick and to the point, spark curiosity.

VENN DIAGRAMS! VENN DIAGRAMS!
Track Name: The Dog, The Bladder, And The Sun
The Dog, The Bladder, and The Sun
Words and Music by Tom Hedrick
© 2019 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music - ASCAP

The Dog, The Bladder, and The Sun,
begins my day, everyone....

I’ve led a quiet life in my enclosure,
through an east-west exposure.
Summertime brings
three special things,
ensured to wake
and duly shake
my body out of sleep.
And alertness peeps,
through half shut eyes,
through no surprise.
It’s where I am.

The dog, he jumps
upon the covers.
He hunkers down.
Proceeds to cover
my face with lick.
His frantic trick
to get his kibble,
he won’t relent,
although I’m spent.
The Dog.
The DOG!
THE DOG!!!

There’s nothing like
a canine bath.
Just do the math.
I guarantee
you’re surely see
my clavicle pinned down.
Those dainty paws
and dewey nose
have clearly chose
that no repose
is mine to keep or treasure.
The Dog.
The DOG!
THE DOG!!

And this be one ingredient
to start daybreak,
for goodness sake.
The other factors,
as urgent be,
the end to dream’s security.
This modern world
is thus unfurled.
The Dog.
THE DOG!
THE DOG!!

And then there is the simple fact:
That lying here somewhat intact,
it’s time to wee,
and thus I see
I must extract,
the doggy trap,
and make my way
as quick can be,
to the trusty
WC,
and allow one self
that sweet relief.
As pressure built beyond belief,
six hours or so,
and one must go.
The Bladder!
The BLADDER!
THE BLADDER!

Let’s look back thus:
What drives this fuss.
Each day, each week,
Computer speak.
Emails, chats.
Meetings, flaps.
Problem solving.
Thoughts revolving.
Fears evolving.
Focus groups
and tactical troops
to meet demands.
Ensure all hands
are in the game
to save the day,
to end the year,
on goal, on target.
End the fear:
of lapse,
collapse,
relapse,
synapse.

We leave our hives,
break out in hives.
Our lonely drives
with satellite
of daily news
and gossip crews,
who bring on dread.
The world soon dead
with climate change,
and missile range,
and watersheds.
As vanished beds –
and not a drop to drink.

A quiet meal
and flatware wash,
and park it to the set
and watch
some mindless game
of real life
as edited,
and cut and sewn.
As everything we’ve ever known,
is put into the archive.

Insomnia an ever present,
companion at the sofa side.
And thus, with little loss of pride,
we pour ourselves a pint of ale
and let the random thoughts set sail
to undiscovered lands.
Though, in my hands,
per my command
we pour our shots,
all now forgot.
We celebrate agave.

Thank you for this splendid juice –
A gift to take me to the loose,
loved land of shallow rest.

The trick, it works, up to a point.
A toss and turn and then appoint,
the dreamland Queen and King.
I sing, though some would call it snoring.

And there it plays in pillow place:
The darkness there, and half my face
is buried in what’s soft.

The song it goes as lumber sawn,
as worry gone.
Induced, it was, by drink.

Reliably, I’ve come to see
that morning wins through agents called:
The Dog, The Bladder, and The Sun.

The light, it creeps through a crack in blinds.
It bears a ray straight to my lids.
No turning, buried moves I bid
escapes its stubborn glare.

Thus the light in room I stare.
I open up, and then I shut.
But someone’s wise
to realize
that Pop’s been stirred,
poked, disturbed –
And then the game begins.

And doggie lad
knows that he’s been had.
His nap and now the sign
that starlight brings –
The morning sings.
The Sun!
The SUN!
THE SUN!!!

There begins
the said commotion.
Everything is now in motion.
The Dog, The Bladder, and The Sun.
The DOG, The BLADDER, and The SUN!
THE DOG, THE BLADDER, AND THE SUN!!!
Track Name: Mister Neukom's Tree
Mister Neukom’s Tree
Music and Lyrics by Tom Hedrick
© 2019 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music – ASCAP

Mister Neukom, I’m sorry about your cherry tree
That I mowed down with my Crown Vic last night.
Mister Neukom, I’m sorry about your cherry tree.
The roads were slick and the parking lot... well conditions were just right.

I’ve been a good and on-time tenant.
I’ve not cost you a dime.
My friend Tim, he pours those pints –
At the Park Bench late on Friday night.

Mister Neukom, I must disclose one afternoon,
On the balcony at number forty-nine,
We had some Bushmill’s and cans of Schaffer’s.
Pat and Worm, and me – what a time.

No one fell, and all was well –
That sultry August eve.
Here we stand now, five months later.
Your penalty pending, I believe.
Track Name: The Biblical Inerrancy Medical Plan
The Biblical Inerrancy Medical Plan
(Words and Music by Tom Hedrick. ©2019 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music – ASCAP

Good morning and thank you for coming.
For those of you calling in, remember to mute your phone.
Our meeting today is to discuss our new health and benefits offering.
Our purpose is to present the plan.
Outcomes are to understand the details of the benefits package and next steps,
including how and when to enroll.

Our safety and wellness message is “Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve”.
Our success message is that sales are down only forty basis points after we gave a bunch of stuff away to an indifferent public who are changing their allegiance to retailers
who offer people what they really want.

Our roles today are Miss Manners as the Scribe.
Mister Passive-Aggressive will be the Monitor.
Our Time Keeper is late as usual and we don’t know if he accepted the meeting,
So somebody will need to fill in.
Ah...Thank you, Zippy. You are always so helpful.

So let’s move into the agenda.
As a family-owned business, we have tried numerous methods
to provide comprehensive arrays of shared cost models for health insurance
with ancillary benefits for dental care, vision and flexible spending accounts.
Conventional insurers historically have raised their costs in ways
that are not sustainable to our bottom line, thereby thwarting our attempts
at brainwashing, consumer objectification, and subtle but constant social engineering.

We moved in recent years to an extralegal model of self-insurance with fellow conspirators.
We throw your money and ours into a kettle of assets and bail each other out,
using reinsurance firms that are tied to noble pursuits as a safety net in the event
of a spike in claims for long term disability and costly procedures.

The escalating inflation, combined with a dissipation of tangible benefits for our ownership family, our heirs and our lobbyists has shifted the burden of cost to you, our loyal tacticians.
Knowing, as we do, that few of you have the will or courage to change your lot in life,
it’s our firm conviction that we can abandon any type of regulated or extralegal benefits program.

Therefore, in keeping with our fundamental beliefs that climate change is not real, evolution is a hoax, and that you can pray the gay away, we are introducing a new concept:

The Biblical Inerrancy Medical Plan -

Effective with the beginning of our new benefit plan year, we are ending our relationship with the mysterious - albeit oddly endearing - insurance captive.
We’ll miss our offshore meetings in the Bahamas outside the reach of the deep state.

We will instead welcome back into our fold, our President Emeritus and Founder, Abraham.
As he is fond to say at various seminars and revival meetings, that’s “Abraham, not Gaybraham”.

Under our new plan, this enterprise will no longer provide conventional medical, dental, vision or disability coverage. Options for an employee fully funded plan are also off the table.
You are free to seek traditional coverage for these avenues of care on your own, albeit without
Subsidy from this company.

Although we ourselves think of single payer, public systems of insurance to be a slide toward global government and collectivism, we’ve never met an expensive, catastrophic plan we didn’t like as long as we don’t have to touch it with a twenty foot pole, and as long as the ownership family children’s trust funds are immune from your calamities.

In its place, we are offering a twenty four/seven prayer chain call-in service.
Operationally, this is simple and direct. Call the toll-free number and a sensitive,
faith-based counselor will confidentially listen to you, and use an empathetic approach to offer a portfolio of remedies founded in the rock of truth: the Old and New Testaments.

Your counselor will offer up an immediate, customized prayer for your healing and fortitude.
This mediation will be followed by a scripture reference, that, with the benefit of scholarly application, will demonstrate how your health challenge is mapped to a biblical verse of great insight and magnitude.

It is our position that the Bible is literally inerrant in all situations, and modernity does not cloud its practically infinite relevance to any personal circumstance attached to it.

The cost of the Biblical Inerrancy Medical Plan is funded entirely by us - the company ownership, except for a $15 co-pay per consultation. Visa, MasterCard, Discover and American Express are all accepted. Please register on the website we will provide in the information packet to set up your account profile.

That is all for today. We thank you for your time, attention and dedication.
Track Name: Cavity Search
Cavity Search
Music and Lyrics ©2018 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music - ASCAP

Doctor Prentis was an old Dentist.
He sold his practice and retired.
A part time job with the Border Patrol, he coveted.
Hey, he was hired!

He’ll perform any task that he is asked,
but his favorite one is to don the mask and do a…
CAVITY SEARCH!
A cavity search.

As you approach the border station when you’re on vacation,
you’d best not look suspicious.
On your business trip, don’t give any lip,
or you’ll be thought malicious.
Oh, and Doctor P., so full of glee,
he’ll tell, “now bend over” for a…hmmm…
CAVITY SEARCH! (That’s right…)
A cavity search.

It’s a job he clearly loves.
Hear the snap of the rubber gloves!
It’s time for a…
CAVITY SEARCH! (Oh! Yeah…)
A cavity search.

If he thinks you are a carrier,
before you cross the barrier,
he’ll do a…
CAVITY SEARCH! (Oh!)
Track Name: Love, Dignity, And Respect
Love, Dignity, Respect
(Words and Music by Tom Hedrick. ©2019 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music - ASCAP

Here comes Sonny driving his frickin’ Lexus.
A carefully folded handkerchief and brown shoes.

And he mapped a chart.
With everyone doing their part.
With Love, Dignity and Respect.

He can eagle eye any data to prove his point.
While he hides his money in a double-secret vacuum.

And he kept a secret score.
With everyone doing more on a hidden net.
On a hidden net.

Checking off the line list.
Listening to Miss Manners and Mr. Story.
With Love, Dignity and Respect.

The execution journal,
Has a double meaning for deployment, oh yes it does:
With Love, Dignity and Respect.

Here comes Papa with an ancient scroll.
Wants to do away with the riff-raff, don’t you know.

And everyone took a test.
The bench was weak at best.
But they crave a Cookie, Love, Dignity, and Respect.
Track Name: Statins And Manhattans
Statins and Manhattans
Lyrics: Tom Hedrick
Music: Frank Smith and Tom Hedrick
Arrangement: Tom Hedrick

We are our parents. We become as they –
how we remember them, in what they would do and say.
Cocktails, mocktails, in-jokes and sandwiches.
Gelatins and cigarettes. Wide ties and housecoats.

The belly moves south and takes residence.
The window is rolled up in the Bel Air.
Blue smoke circles in the passenger cab.
Dramamine and water served and ready.

Clean the blood. Reject the bad.
Watch the intake. Monitor the output.
Statins and Manhattans, and a high fiber treat.
A steady jog or cycle down a shady street.

Clean the blood. Reject the bad.
Watch the intake. Monitor the output.
Statins and Manhattans, and a high fiber treat.
A steady jog or cycle down a shady street.

Old Uncle stopped working, and by that - Completely.
Died, out of life, and gone.
Purple Plymouth Duster preserved in his memory,
somehow nicely deserved.

Saintly and scientific would pause and say -
“The Dear Mister simply passed away”.
And the ladies, with their pink squirrel drinks,
Pall Malls and lipstick, would weep, oh they would weep.

Today’s cautions vary. Some preach moderation.
Some say “go and enjoy”.
Others abstain. Big pharma moves on, studies in tens.
One must work, must earn some yen.

Clean the blood. Reject the bad.
Watch the intake. Monitor the output.
Statins and Manhattans, and a high fiber treat.
A steady jog or cycle down a shady street.

Clean the blood. Reject the bad.
Watch the intake. Monitor the output.
Statins and Manhattans, and a high fiber treat.
A steady jog or cycle down a shady street.

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