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The Restroom Constable

from Kinda Sorta by Tom Hedrick

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lyrics

The Restroom Constable

Music and lyrics © 2017 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music - ASCAP

I am the Restroom Constable,
Sworn to a sober oath.
You are man or a woman.
No, you can’t be both.

I’m duty bound to perform a reasonable inspection,
Prior to entering the facility of your selection.
You are subject to search and verification.
Your outward appearance is not adequate identification.
The presence or absence of certain equipment,
Will determine an assignment of where you can, uh, sit.
Haircuts, adornments - not a distraction!
I will read the statute and commence lawful action.

I am the Restroom Constable,
Trained to do my part.
You can’t deceive my expertise.
I am super smart.

He will randomly appear, demand for him to see,
Your proper signed and duly issued government ID.

AND I’LL CHECK A MARK FOR “M”, OR IF NOT THAT AN “F”
“P”, “Q” or “T”… and I’ll know a forgery is at hand!
PREPARE TO BE ESCORTED OUT, OR OUT COMES THE KIT.
LOOK AWAY! COUNT TO TEN!

He is the Restroom Constable,
Uniformed and bright.
He can’t be bribed or invalidated.
He will read your rights.

Trans-sex arrangements are out of compliance.
Hence, remove yourself from any reliance,
That proprietors can exempt themselves from my reach.
I’m deaf to entreaties, though you beseech.
When it comes to the plumbing, it’s not just the stalls.
I pat down, I scan, don’t reach for those towels.
If you do not comply, the penalties? High!
You can’t dissuade me, though I know you will try.

credits

from Kinda Sorta, released September 14, 2019
Tom Hedrick: Vocals, Electric Bass, Harpsichord, Piano, “Horns and Strings”, Maddening Drum Loop Manipulation.

Recorded at The Curve, Minneapolis, Minnesota USA, December 23 and 24, 2017, with additional recording December 29, 30, 31, 2017 and January 1, 2018

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about

Tom Hedrick Minneapolis, Minnesota

Minneapolis-based power pop and experimental artist. Influenced heavily by The Beatles, VU, Zappa, Brian Wilson, Todd Rundgren and a number of jazz greats.

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