The Biblical Inerrancy Medical Plan
(Words and Music by Tom Hedrick. ©2019 Thomas B. Hedrick / Tom Hedrick Music – ASCAP

Good morning and thank you for coming.
For those of you calling in, remember to mute your phone.
Our meeting today is to discuss our new health and benefits offering.
Our purpose is to present the plan.
Outcomes are to understand the details of the benefits package and next steps,
including how and when to enroll.

Our safety and wellness message is “Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve”.
Our success message is that sales are down only forty basis points after we gave a bunch of stuff away to an indifferent public who are changing their allegiance to retailers
who offer people what they really want.

Our roles today are Miss Manners as the Scribe.
Mister Passive-Aggressive will be the Monitor.
Our Time Keeper is late as usual and we don’t know if he accepted the meeting,
So somebody will need to fill in.
Ah...Thank you, Zippy. You are always so helpful.

So let’s move into the agenda.
As a family-owned business, we have tried numerous methods
to provide comprehensive arrays of shared cost models for health insurance
with ancillary benefits for dental care, vision and flexible spending accounts.
Conventional insurers historically have raised their costs in ways
that are not sustainable to our bottom line, thereby thwarting our attempts
at brainwashing, consumer objectification, and subtle but constant social engineering.

We moved in recent years to an extralegal model of self-insurance with fellow conspirators.
We throw your money and ours into a kettle of assets and bail each other out,
using reinsurance firms that are tied to noble pursuits as a safety net in the event
of a spike in claims for long term disability and costly procedures.

The escalating inflation, combined with a dissipation of tangible benefits for our ownership family, our heirs and our lobbyists has shifted the burden of cost to you, our loyal tacticians.
Knowing, as we do, that few of you have the will or courage to change your lot in life,
it’s our firm conviction that we can abandon any type of regulated or extralegal benefits program.

Therefore, in keeping with our fundamental beliefs that climate change is not real, evolution is a hoax, and that you can pray the gay away, we are introducing a new concept:

The Biblical Inerrancy Medical Plan -

Effective with the beginning of our new benefit plan year, we are ending our relationship with the mysterious - albeit oddly endearing - insurance captive.
We’ll miss our offshore meetings in the Bahamas outside the reach of the deep state.

We will instead welcome back into our fold, our President Emeritus and Founder, Abraham.
As he is fond to say at various seminars and revival meetings, that’s “Abraham, not Gaybraham”.

Under our new plan, this enterprise will no longer provide conventional medical, dental, vision or disability coverage. Options for an employee fully funded plan are also off the table.
You are free to seek traditional coverage for these avenues of care on your own, albeit without
Subsidy from this company.

Although we ourselves think of single payer, public systems of insurance to be a slide toward global government and collectivism, we’ve never met an expensive, catastrophic plan we didn’t like as long as we don’t have to touch it with a twenty foot pole, and as long as the ownership family children’s trust funds are immune from your calamities.

In its place, we are offering a twenty four/seven prayer chain call-in service.
Operationally, this is simple and direct. Call the toll-free number and a sensitive,
faith-based counselor will confidentially listen to you, and use an empathetic approach to offer a portfolio of remedies founded in the rock of truth: the Old and New Testaments.

Your counselor will offer up an immediate, customized prayer for your healing and fortitude.
This mediation will be followed by a scripture reference, that, with the benefit of scholarly application, will demonstrate how your health challenge is mapped to a biblical verse of great insight and magnitude.

It is our position that the Bible is literally inerrant in all situations, and modernity does not cloud its practically infinite relevance to any personal circumstance attached to it.

The cost of the Biblical Inerrancy Medical Plan is funded entirely by us - the company ownership, except for a $15 co-pay per consultation. Visa, MasterCard, Discover and American Express are all accepted. Please register on the website we will provide in the information packet to set up your account profile.

That is all for today. We thank you for your time, attention and dedication.